hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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