Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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