Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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