Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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