chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
