So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
