I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
