I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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