all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize