I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
operation have a gay friend backfired
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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