I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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