I'm eating all of the evidence.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
