So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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