Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
