I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
