I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
