A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
