I'm so fucking centered right now
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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