I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
