Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
