i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
