Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
