please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
