Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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