News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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