Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
