Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
