Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
