party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
