Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
