No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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