My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
