I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
