I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
