Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
