I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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