i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
