i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
