I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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