paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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