Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
