If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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