I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
