I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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