So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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