the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
