gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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