as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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