i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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