i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
