I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i think im in europe. pls send help
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