Just fell off a train. Bad.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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