Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
