dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
