everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
