8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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