tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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