You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize