Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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