The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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