I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
