allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
