I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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