new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
