my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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